The First 30 Days After Separation: The Real Work Men Need To Do

By Bretto

Separation hits hard. Whether you saw it coming or it blindsided you, your world shifts fast. One minute life is on routine autopilot-work, family, sleep, repeat-and the next, everything feels uncertain (and harder)

Here’s the truth most blokes never hear: separation isn’t just a legal event - it’s an emotional event. What you do in the first 30 days determines how well you recover, how strong your mental health stays, and how solid your relationship with your kids remains.

This isn’t another soft “self-care” article. This is real, practical separation advice for men who want to steady themselves, stay out of unnecessary conflict, and rebuild their life with purpose.

Side note: this is relevant no matter who did what in the separation, cause the truth is for your kids, none of that shit matters.

Why Men Struggle More Than They Admit

When separation happens, men typically fall into two dangerous patterns:

• The Fine Mode – bury emotions, distract with work, alcohol, scrolling or hookups.

• The Mad Mode – lash out, argue, send angry texts, become reactive.

Men are one of 2 things normally - we are ‘fine’ or we are mad - the shit in between is the tough stuff that you need to deal with.

Both lead to damage - financial stress, custody chaos, emotional burnout, and poor decision-making and worse.

It takes conscious decisions to go on a different path.

Try this on for size:

• Stabilise early

• Process the hit properly

• Build a plan forward

This isn’t weakness. This is controlled strength. 

It’s not ignoring emotion, it’s funneling that energy to forward momentum.

If you’re stuck in that “I’m fine” fog, start here:

The Numb Bloke Why shutting down makes it worse

If anger’s running the show, this one’s for you:

The Angry Bloke: Stop Letting Rage Run Your Separation

The 3 Fronts of Separation (Know Them or Get Burnt)

Front	What It Is	Risk If Ignored
Emotional	Grief, shock, anger, confusion	Mental health slide
Practical	Finances, housing, legal steps	Spiraling chaos
Parenting	Time with kids, co-parenting	Broken connection

You can’t or won’t need to fix everything today. But you must stop the bleeding and lay foundation early. 

If you’re standing there thinking, “I don’t even know where to start,” — start here:

The Lost Bloke: What To Do When You Don’t Know Where To Start

Step 1: Stabilise Your Head and Body

Separation triggers a survival response - tight chest, anxious thoughts, emotional overload. That’s not weakness. It’s your nervous system reacting to sudden loss. And it’s all fucking normal.

Your Stability Checklist

• Create a simple daily routine (wake, eat, move, sleep)

• Minimise booze for 30 days - it makes this 10× harder

• Train or walk daily - move stress out of your body

• No big decisions after 8pm - tired brain = bad calls

• Tell 2 mates what’s happening - do not isolate

Your goal for Week 1: Stay steady. Stay clean. Stay breathing.

Step 2: Get Emotionally Safe

Your emotions are not your enemy - but reacting while emotional will cost you later.

Rules to Protect Your Future

• No late-night emotional texts to your ex - anything after 8pm is a no.

• No “breakdown posts” on social media - that shit sticks

• Don’t badmouth your ex in front of your kids - ever, they’ll get to their own judgements in time (about you also)

• Start a daily journal to process emotion safely (or the mates group chat)

• Save messages as drafts, review in the morning - don’t reply hot

This is controlled emotion, not shutdown.

Step 3: Build Your Separation Support Team

Strong men don’t do it alone - they build a team early.

Who You Need	Why
2 Good Mates	Real check-ins, accountability
GP	Mental health plan if needed - yep know what that sounds like
Coach or Psych	Keep your head straight
The Legal Shit	Building knowledge rather than immediate action
Finance Advice	Budget clarity

If you’ve been isolating, thinking you’ll just “sort it out yourself,” read:

The Lone Wolf: Why Doing This Alone Is Killing You

Step 4: Lock Down Practical Stability

Practical chaos equals emotional chaos. Sort this early.

• Housing - where are you staying short term?

• Banking - set up your own account if needed

• Shared finances - get visibility, don’t do stupid stuff

• Centrelink/child support setup if needed

• One legal advice consult now - not when it blows up

Step 5: Protect Your Kids First

Your kids don’t need perfection. They need a calm, consistent, present, loving Dad.

Do this now:

• Reassure them: “You are loved, this is the plan”

• Keep routines where possible- picking up kids is important

• Never use them as messengers - that’s a no

• Stay involved daily – even if just a phone call

• Don’t badmouth your ex - even if it’s happening on the other side

For how to protect your kids and stay sane doing it, read:

The Guilt-Ridden Dad: Protect Your Kids Without Losing Yourself

Step 6: Own Yor Part

This is where real growth starts. Be brutally honest without beating yourself up.

Ask yourself:

• Where did I stop showing up as a partner?

• Where was I avoiding truth or conflict?

• What behaviours damaged the relationship?

• What do I need to change moving forward?

No blame. No excuses. Just ownership.

I once heard a good quote - men either learn from it, or are Burnt from it. Pretty sure the first one will make your next relationship more successful.

Step 7: Your 30-Day Rebuild Plan

Focus	Daily/Weekly Commitments
Mind	Journal + reflection daily
Body	Move daily (10000 steps (50% at pace)+ sleep 7 hours
Emotions	Talk weekly with mate/coach
Kids	Calls + consistent presence
Legal	1x advice session
Finance	Budget + clarity
Growth	1 new habit weekly - except Salsa dancing lessons no one needs that

When you’ve nailed the basics and you’re ready for next steps, read:

Final Guide – 12 Survival Rules for Men in the First 30 Days (coming Sunday 9th Nov )

Final Word

Separation is painful—but it doesn’t have to destroy you. In fact, it can become the moment you build a stronger, calmer, more focused version of yourself.

You aren’t doing this alone, and you aren’t the first and you won’t be the last..

Ready for Support?

If you’re a man going through separation and you’re serious about rebuilding — join Next Chapter Mates | mates helping mates now

• Real support from men who get it

• Practical tools + accountability

• Brotherhood without judgement

Your next chapter starts now.